It's been a while but it doesn't matter, this is mostly just a journal for myself, to have a record where I was creatively (and sometimes personally) over time. Sometimes it feels like I've accomplished nothing so maintaining this reminds me otherwise.With the ebbs and flows of making things, the culmination of even the smallest things count.
Paranormal Girlfriend (with much gratitude to Jim White for his encouragement to interpret his song as well as generously adding extra ambient introduction and outro to the animation and Yep Roc Records for letting me use Jim's song) made it into several film festivals (see youtube link for list) last year. One of special note, it made the Metroshorts Selection at the Washington DC International Film Festival 2019. For any animators or filmmakers who might randomly stumble here, I highly recommend submitting your work to their future festivals. They put much time, thought and care into the selection, curation, and presentation of films, as well as hosted engaging discussion with the artists on the themes and process of their work. The selection organizers demonstrated genuine interest in participants during warm and welcoming post festival gatherings, much more than a succinct "networking" would indicate.
I am currently working on more animation for a comedian's feature project, but I'm not sure how much is appropriate to share at the moment. I'll either follow this up in September with screenshots of clips if permitted, or just send the links to the video when it is released. I also have been working out ideas for a short animated visual "album". More on that later.
These past couple of years have been distractingly stressful. A close family member was diagnosed with breast cancer. It's all out now and she's recovering well, but it took up much of last year's time and focus for the both of us. Her much more, obviously-but I gave assistance and had to adjust my schedule accordingly. Things started to get easier by summer. She was able to enjoy some nearby brief getaways, and I had made plans to visit friends and family in Austin, TX for my 50th birthday that fall. I was busy with my growing petcare work, and sometimes would participate in a variety of paid healthy volunteer research studies at the NIH in Bethesda, MD for extra travel funds.
The study I participated in required a CT/PET scan to compare my "healthy" circulatory system to another person with similar demographics but living with lupus. It was easy enough. The imaging tunnel didn't bother me too much. I signed the form for my check and went home.
On my way to a dogwalk, I got a call from the study doctor telling me the scan had detected a mass in my left breast. I had been getting regular mammograms for years (thanks to ACA, as I was uninsured most of my late 20s through my 30s) and I received an all-clear each time, so this was surprising and unsettling.
Over the next several months I worked on getting new mammograms and an ultrasound. It took more time to set up-sending the NIH discovery records to my healthcare provider and waiting for approval, as it was less than a year since my last breast screening. My healthcare provider ok-ed it and had my screening, scheduled close to my flight to Austin, and I wasn't sure if I should go at all. One part of me wanted to have a last trip while I'm feeling absolutely well and fine, and the other was that I'd just be too anxious to enjoy it if I got bad news. I decided I'd go no matter the result. According my tests, it was just cysts and calcification that were hard to read, as I had dense breast tissue.
Relieved (though a small nagging what-if-they-are wrong feeling was dormant), I emailed the requested update to the NIH doctor. Flew to Austin and was non stop busy enjoying seeing my friends and family again. My niece was nearly grown up, studying painting on her own (beautiful work-if/when she has a hosting site I'll link if she's ok with that), and was considering her college options and fields of study (she chose astrophysics). Watched movies and caught up with her mom, a writer and like-another-sister to me Sue. Enjoyed some open mike comedy (compliments of a current favorite and Austin based podcast of mine, for being a patreon ) with my longest Austin friend, Carlos, and we met up for hikes and more. Had lunch with Jane -a supportive friend and collector of my artwork and now committed painter herself (I taught some basic painting sessions one on one sessions and she took off). Enjoyed much missed Magnolia Cafe with compassionate friend, neighbor, massage therapist and supervisor Gayla (I had provided 24/7 care and facilitated painting for her mother Beth, who was also an artist.) Saw buddy Jaylinn (from Casual Strangers and The Boxing Lesson the band where I made my first attempts at animated music videos since college years: One and the requested racy Four ) over lunch- not nearly long enough, but the flu got in her way. Met with fitness friend Keith for a long chat over dinner and beers at 24 Diner.
On my birthday I had brunch with my old boss Border and his daughter Ann (I worked in his local chain-newsstand-and-more offices for over a decade. Border taught me how to use a personal computer and operate Photoshop in the mid-late 1990s, a major tool for my artwork in so many ways: first an editor for digital camera photos for a faster cheaper alternative to having work professionally reproduced into slides, later it became my main animation program.) That meeting was a mini roller-coaster. I was happy to see them but suddenly feeling physically feeling off and disoriented as we chatted. I grew queasy then was downright sick shortly afterwards, which was embarrassing. Border and Ann were cool about it and took me to the drug store, then stunned me by taking me to Discount Electronics. Border told the staff he wanted them to build me a custom high powered pc to ship home so I can have better tools for my animation work. It's been an incredibly useful and generous gift. I recently supplemented it with a drawing tablet monitor. The computer processing speed and the tablet combined feels a lot more organic and immediate for animation work, closer to the drawing and painting process.
I didn't sleep much during the trip and by the time I was home in Virginia I was immersed in a full fledged nasty cold or flu. In addition to getting some good rx, I shared the reply I had received from the NIH study doctor with my primary doctor. NIH doc strongly recommended that I get an MRI to confirm that I'm truly all-clear regarding the breast masses. He made a similar discovery with a previous study volunteer, who was also cleared with mammograms and ultrasound follow ups, but found out later she did indeed have cancer. My primary doctor agreed, but had to work in my family history of breast cancer to get approval, as the cleared mammogram and ultrasound closed that issue with my insurance.
More delays occurred over the winter holidays as my insurance eligibility changed a couple of times. That was sorted out in January, and I got the MRI. It showed more abnormalities in my breast, and a CT/PET guided biopsy was next. Results in February revealed cancer.
The mass was small, but fortunately slow growing. It was a shadow on my previous cleared mammograms for the past several years that seemed negligible. I opted for a bilateral mastectomy, with later reconstruction. No way did I ever want to go through never definitively knowing whether I have breast cancer again, especially since my breast tissue has been hard to read. Compounding that—my mom had it twice (lumpectomy and radiation first time, the second time it had metastasized into her spine, slowly paralyzing her). It's traumatic.
It seemed unlikely (but no guarantee) that I'd need chemo but usually radiation is needed if I just had a lumpectomy, which is the more standard option. Whether I’d need radiation wasn't clear yet with my mastectomy. All of that would be determined after my breast tissue would be sent to pathology.
This wasn't the most frightening thing I was facing though. COVID-19 was. Still is.
I'd hear the reports on my headphones with growing dread as I hiked around town pre-op, watching businesses in a busy metro area shut down and grow quiet. I was planning a break from the pet care, but most of my clients beat me to it as they started to work from home.
I stayed home for the most part (other than walks), worried I'd catch covid while recovering from the surgery and reading about the growing horrors of this creepy, horrifying, cruel, sneaky disease. Furious then (and now) at how this grifting self serving excuse of an executive administration (and selfish individuals) let it spread.
I'm not going to linger there. It's overwhelming.
The covid threat meant I had to recover at home immediately after my mastectomy. I had prepped my room with a deep cleaning and extra pillows, so that actually was more comfortable than a hospital stay. My family member who just went through this was an enormous help with the process and recovery. She knew the questions to ask, the research needed, the physical assistance with my medication. More than any pain (it smarted in a chronic moderate-low key way but I've felt worse before) the visual body horror, flat...blackened bruises, hooked up to draining ports was rough. However, I healed rapidly-lightening color within a week, skin tone by week two. My plastic and cancer surgeon were both pleased. I started getting fills on my tissue expanders (to prepare me for reconstruction). I look absolutely normal now when I'm dressed. No chemo nor radiation was necessary since I had the full surgery, and the growth was minimal. It turns out the right breast had pre-cancerous changes, so I'm glad I took the most extreme option. My lymph nodes were all clear.
I had the option for extended long term hormone suppression therapy, but I turned it down for quality of life issues, for a very small nudge (in my personal case-this is not anything I'd recommend nor discourage for anyone else) of improved odds of preventing recurrence in my bones or surrounding tissue. If I had needed chemo/radiation I would have taken it as it's usually a limited run. I'm not willing to go into instant extreme menopause (despite my age) and possible brain fog, eye damage, tinnitus, significant weight gain, muscle aches, joint pains, mood swings, depression for 5-10 years for slightly better numbers. There's a chance it wouldn't nearly be that extreme and with only some of those symptoms, but I don't want to live with any of that as a new normal. It's a balance of quality and quantity of my remaining years.
I've been going long hikes (masked) and feel somewhat physically close to normal. I try to get out of my head and have social interaction with regular zoom meetings. That’s been fun—something to look forward to.
I do get tired and my sleep schedule is whack. I’ve let my weight training slide. (I’ll get back to it.) I’m anxious and probably have some functional low grade depression, and a side of considerable anger. Not about cancer, but *everything* else going on right now, and these feelings are likely shared by many others in this country, and rightly so. A clusterfuck of more than I can expand or even give it a micro fraction on what it deserves as I’m literally waiting to start my reconstruction this morning. Got to wrap up this draft and put my phone away now.
Update: I’m awake and feeling rough but ok. Next post will have new art of some sort.
